Privacy Policy

Last updated: January 30, 2026

1. The “We Aren’t Creeps” Clause

At The Loonie Post, we value your privacy almost as much as we value our maple syrup. We collect just enough information to keep the site running and to make sure you aren’t a rogue AI trying to overthrow the government with satire.

By using our site, you’re agreeing to this policy. If you don’t agree, please close this tab and go look at pictures of capybaras instead.

2. What We Collect (And Why)

We collect information through the following “friends with benefits” (the benefit is data, the friends are tech giants):

• Identifiers: Name and email address. We only get these if you willingly hand them over for our newsletter.
• Financial Info: If you support us, Stripe handles the money. We never see your full credit card number, which is good because we’d probably just spend it all on poutine and vintage hockey cards.
• Techy Bits: IP addresses, browser types, and which articles you clicked on (we know you only read the headlines).

3. Our Third-Party Enablers

We use several services to keep the lights on. They have their own privacy policies, which are much longer and more boring than this one:

• Google Analytics: This tells us if people are actually visiting or if our moms are just refreshing the page. It uses cookies to track your behavior.
• Cloudflare: They act as a giant digital shield to stop hackers from replacing our articles with real news. They see your IP address to make sure you aren’t a bot.
• Mailgun: These folks deliver our newsletter. If you sign up, your email lives on their servers so they can blast our satire directly into your inbox.
• Stripe: As mentioned, they handle payments. They are the vault; we are just the people asking for the gold.

4. Cookies (The Non-Delicious Kind)

We use cookies to remember your preferences and track site performance. You can disable cookies in your browser settings, but be warned: the site might behave as erratically as a goose in a parking lot if you do.

5. Your Rights (The “You’re the Boss” Section)

Under PIPEDA, you have the right to:

1. Access: Ask us what we know about you (Spoiler: It’s mostly your email).
2. Correction: Tell us we spelled your name wrong.
3. Withdrawal: Unsubscribe from our newsletter at any time. There is a link at the bottom of every email. Clicking it will make us sad, but we will respect your boundaries.

6. Data Retention & Security

We keep your data only as long as necessary to fulfill the purposes above. We use industry-standard encryption, but remember: the internet is essentially a series of tubes, and no tube is 100% leak-proof.

7. Contact Us

If you have questions, or if you just want to send us a really good joke, you can reach our “Chief Privacy Officer” (who is also the janitor and the head writer) at: redacted