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Unsubscribe at any time.Scientist Invents Time Travel Only To Prevent Original Amber Abduction To Save World From 4AM Alerts
TORONTO — Dr. Alistair Sterling, a theoretical physicist at the University of Toronto, announced Saturday that he has successfully achieved quantum temporal displacement, better known as time travel. However, rather than killing Hitler or preventing the Great Depression, Sterling confirmed his first and only mission was to travel back to 1996 to ensure Amber Hagerman stayed safely within her yard, thereby sparing 38 million Canadians from ever hearing a “nuclear-level” siren at four in the morning.
“The ethical weight of changing history is immense,” Sterling said while nursing his fourteenth double-double of the morning. “But when my phone screamed at me at 3:14 AM because a toddler in Thunder Bay was briefly misplaced by a grandfather, I realized that some sacrifices must be made. Hitler can wait; my REM cycle cannot.”
The federal government immediately labeled the breakthrough “an act of domestic sleep-terrorism,” with a spokesperson for the Ministry of Public Safety arguing that mandatory, high-decibel heart palpitations are a “cornerstone of Canadian civic engagement.” The Ministry further warned that without the 114-decibel alerts, citizens might accidentally enjoy a full night’s sleep, leading to a dangerous decrease in nationwide virtue signaling.
At publishing time, Dr. Sterling was seen recalibrating his machine to see if he could go back to 2015 and convince a certain drama teacher to stick to the stage.