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Unsubscribe at any time.Quebec National Assembly Unanimously Demands Google Maps Reroute All English Speakers Into Nearest Pothole
QUEBEC CITY — In a historic display of non-partisan unity, the Quebec National Assembly voted 92-0 Tuesday to mandate that Google Maps immediately update its algorithm to reroute any driver using English voice settings directly into the deepest, most axle-snapping pothole available.
The “Digital Language Protection and Suspension Enrichment Act” aims to ensure that the “unique texture” of Quebec’s infrastructure is shared primarily with those who refuse to use the language of Molière while navigating the Décarie Expressway. Government officials claim the move is a necessary step in protecting the French language from the “encroachment of Anglo-Saxon efficiency.”
“If you wish to enjoy the smooth, pothole-free transitions of our world-class construction zones, you must ask for them in French,” said Jean-François Tremblay, a spokesperson for the Office québécois de la langue française (OQLF). “By guiding English-speaking tourists and West Island residents into a three-foot-deep crater in Montreal North, we are simply providing a ‘cultural immersion’ experience that reflects the true reality of our sovereignty over the asphalt.”
Local activists have praised the bill, noting that the sound of a strut snapping in an English-speaking sedan is “music to the ears of the nation.” Meanwhile, the Ministry of Transport has confirmed that while the potholes will remain unfilled to maintain the deterrent, they will be officially designated as “National Heritage Divots.”
At publishing time, the National Assembly was debating a follow-up motion to ensure that Waze only provides “Police Spotted” alerts to drivers who can correctly conjugate “vouloir” in the subjunctive.