Ottawa Surprised To Find Men Struggling After Decade Of DEI Policies

Feb 25, 2026

OTTAWA — Following a decade of official government policy labeling traditional masculinity as “toxic” and masculine ambition as a “systemic barrier to equity,” Health Canada officials expressed genuine shock this week to discover that Canadian men are currently struggling with record rates of despair and declining health.

“We honestly thought that after we spent billions of dollars telling men they were the primary obstacle to a fair society, they would be thriving under the weight of their own privilege,” said Health Minister Marjorie Michel, while flipping through a 400-page report on why men are increasingly opting out of the workforce, higher education, and living past sixty. “It turns out that constantly telling a demographic they are the problem doesn’t actually produce a healthy, vibrant population. It’s a total mystery to us.”

The new federal strategy aims to “challenge stereotypes,” a pivot from the previous strategy of relentlessly reinforcing the stereotype that men are the source of all earthly evil. Government consultants have suggested that men might feel better if they simply “opened up” about their feelings, provided those feelings are expressed as a formal land acknowledgement. Officials confirmed that while men are being excluded from 90% of federal job postings and university grants to “level the playing field,” this couldn’t possibly be related to their current sense of hopelessness.

“I’m just glad the government is finally listening,” said local carpenter Gary Miller, who hasn’t seen a doctor in three years because he’s working eighty hours a week to pay off a mortgage on a house he’ll never own. “I was worried my high blood pressure was a sign of my inherent patriarchy, but it turns out it might just be the fact that I’m ineligible for every government contract I bid on because I don’t have enough ‘lived experience’ as a marginalized poet.”

At publishing time, the feds clarified that the “Men’s Health Strategy” will be primarily funded by a new tax on protein powder and pickup trucks.