Mark Carney Joins COBRA After Trade Failure With G.I. Joe

Jan 17, 2026

BEIJING — In a move global analysts are calling “the most predictable career pivot for a former central banker,” Mark Carney has officially donned a polished silver mask and joined the high command of COBRA.

The announcement came Friday from the Great Hall of the People, where Carney—now speaking with a distinctive metallic resonance—revealed that he is pivoting his global strategy away from the “outdated” West and toward a more “technologically advanced, snake-themed global syndicate.”

“The old world order has failed us,” said Carney, his eyes glowing intensely behind a chrome faceplate that bore a striking resemblance to the arms dealer Destro. “When G.I. Joe refused to back our latest carbon-credit scheme, we knew it was time to reach out to Cobra Commander. Unlike Duke, he understands that true global stability requires a unified currency, a central authority, and the occasional climate-control weapon.

While critics point out that COBRA is technically a ruthless organization determined to rule the world, Carney dismissed the concerns as “misinformation” and “hate speech”. Standing beside a scale model of the new electric HISS Tank, Carney explained that a New World Order requires a “bold, reptilian vision” for the 21st century.

At publishing time, Carney was seen boarding a black stealth jet, pausing only to scream “COBRA-LA-LA-LA!” at a group of confused reporters before the bay doors closed.