Carney Unveils 'Regretful Sock Puppet' To Explain Iran Airstrikes Position

Mar 6, 2026

OTTAWA — In a move designed to bridge the gap between “standing with our allies” and “condemning their actions,” Prime Minister Mark Carney held a press conference today featuring a sock puppet named Glinty the Globalist to clarify Canada’s official position on the Iran airstrikes.

The Prime Minister, fresh off a three-country tour where he managed to support the U.S. in Mumbai while calling them international outlaws in Canberra, sat behind the $14,000 mahogany podium and began a spirited dialogue with his own right hand. “Now Glinty, do we support the neutralizing of the Iranian nuclear threat?” Carney asked. The puppet, sporting a tiny Davos lanyard, nodded vigorously. “Absolutely, Mark! It’s a grave threat to the rules-based order!” Glinty squeaked. However, when Carney asked if the strikes were legal, the puppet immediately collapsed into a fit of sobbing. “No! It’s a failure of the international system! We support it, but we take this position with extreme regret!”

The Prime Minister’s Office defended the performance, noting that a puppet is the only medium capable of capturing the “studied ambiguity” required to appease both the Washington war machine and the Davos Elite. Carney later clarified that while Canada was “not party” to the offensive actions, the nation remains “categorically open” to participating in them if the vibes are right.

“It’s actually a very sophisticated middle-power doctrine,” said Global Affairs consultant, Barnaby Doublethink. “By having the puppet say the strikes are illegal while the Prime Minister says they are necessary, Canada effectively occupies a quantum state of diplomacy where we are both at war and at peace until a CBC poll tells us which one is more popular.”

At publishing time, the Prime Minister was facing a fresh scandal after it was revealed the puppet has already been hired as a “Special Strategic Advisor” for a major Lithium mining firm, despite Glinty’s official government position being “tucked inside Carney’s right sleeve.”